Sunday, August 16, 2009

Yours?mine? ours? what makes something yours?

precious gifts no matter which way they came to us

OK, so lately I have experienced a lot of comments from people who I am sure meant well but their comments rubbed me the wrong way.

"too bad these children aren't yours. They are sure cute" my thought: they aren't mine? then why the hell do I have them 24/7?

"I think you would find that even if these children were yours they would be different from one another" my thought: please use biologically yours

" Oh that is so sad you had to adopt to get children" my thought: Why are you sad about it? I'm not. Only frustrated that it is so expensive

" I feel so bad for you that you will never experience the joy of pregnancy" my thought: what being sick for at least 8 weeks very possibly longer, stretching in all sorts of strange places, not being able to sleep at night, needing to buy a new wardrobe. I think I will survive not experiencing that. I know there are some cool parts about being preggers too. But we all have different experiences in life and I am OK with that.

The list goes on but I will stop there and just say I know most people mean well. But I believe that once the birth parents signed those papers, my children became mine. And just one other thought to finish this semi bitter post. Whether we gave birth to our children or adopted them, they are all god's children, whom we have been given the privilege to raise.


Harmony said...

wow!! i had no idea people were so insensitive- Those kids were ment to be in our family, they came a different way then u actually giving birth, but of course they are YOURS!! (you have the bills to prove it lol) I don't know what we'd do without them!! hopefully you are right and these people meant well otherwise they are just plain mean!!!

PJ - Our life said...


Diana said...

Whoa. I don't know exactly how you feel... but I DO know that people (sometimes well-intentioned, other times just plain inept of their own words and lack of tact...) are mean. Related (sort of)... My friend just lost her baby after he lived for almost 1 day and people were telling her "Oh, I know exactly how you feel, I had a miscarriage at 2 weeks once..."

YEAH. Losing a 2 week old fetus is the same as losing a baby after carrying him full term and holding his living breathing body and then having him die in your arms. She was so pissed, and I feel rightfully so. Don't compare your pea to her watermelon.

I feel if you are at a loss for words, take it as a hint and don't make some up of your own.

I've known some biological mothers that don't love their babies as much as you love yours. It takes more than genetics to make a mother, and I believe you are those kids mother in every way possible. Hopefully you won't let insenitive people make you feel any different. :)

PS... you are right. Pregnancy is God's bittersweet revenge for Eve eating that stupid fruit. ;)

cold cocoa said...

I can't believe anybody would say those things, though there are definitely some people out there without that thing called tact. You'll definitely just have to have it out with people who talk like that. Especially if they say it in front of your kids!

Megz said...

I just want you to tell everyone they are your bio kids and that the science of recessive traits is too complex for you to get into unless they have a ph.D. That will shut them up for sure.
Or you could just tell them you weren't blessed with bio children due to all your teenage drug use. That is also sure to stop a conversation.

Ray said...

I'm sorry Steph. I've experienced the other way around and had some people ask if I adopted my kids (my husband wasn't w/me). People are so insensitive and intrusive. There is more than one way for a child to come into a family. Those kids are yours, no questions asked.

Kirsten said...

Isn't it crazy that people are like that?? Seriously!! I think it is amazing that people get to adopt and give a child a life that they otherwise wouldn't get a chance to have! YOu are an amazing mom and you do HAVE the cutest kids ever!! and trust me... pregnancy isn't all that it is cracked up to be. trust me! I hated it. ok, somethings i liked but overall.... hated it! I can't wait to experience adoption for myself! Hopefully soon! :)

Linsey said...

People are idiots. You're a better person than I because I would have told them as much. For crying out loud. There is a difference between being well-intentioned and being just plain moronic. Your kids have a great Mom and Dad and that is ALL that matters.

The Wendler Family said...

I'm with you! Its a rotten shame some people have no sense of adoption and motherhood in general. Forgive them for they know not what they do. If they did, it wouldn't have come out like that.
As soon as those paper's were signed, if not BEFORE then, you have been and will always be their mother.

Rae said...

Great Post-